Scrawled in Wax

What do Freemasons and a group of ‘hot young white girls’ have to do with each other?

Ok first, a disclaimer: I’ve never sat through an entire episode of The Hills. I have watched parts of it and read articles about it. I’ve even written a post on Heidi Montag. But I’ve never watched a full show and, to be honest, I couldn’t even tell you what the arcs of the characters’ stories/lives are. So this is simply a theory, and if it’s wrong, I’ll trust you guys will not only call me out but also tell me why.

So. If you’ve never seen the Stonecutters episode of The Simpsons before, it is a nerd classic (secrets, an alien and Patrick Stewart, oh my!) that plays off the myths surrounding The Freemasons. The group has been the subject of many conspiracy theories (such as those in The Da Vinci Code) in which the Freemasons are accused of having secretly wielded power through the ages. This alleged subterfuge of influence was cleverly referenced in the Stonecutters song which, if nothing else, provides a plausible explanation for why Forrest Gump beat out Pulp Fiction for an Oscar. And while the episode was great for many reasons, to me a lot of the enjoyment came from the humorous depiction of what it might be like inside a secret society, one that Homer desperately wants to be a part of.

But if you think of the Stonecutters/Freemasons as symbols of power that are desirable not only for that power, but also secrecy and exclusivity, then I’ll also argue that the appeal of The Hills works in a similar way. First, if one were to make a list of the things that are desired in North American celebrities, the cast seems to have them all: youth; stereotypical attractiveness; wealth (sure they’re working their way up in their jobs, but they’re doing so on TV); success (ditto); and the ‘Californian lifestyle’.

Secondly, there’s a case to be made that the ‘hot young white women’ at the centre of The Hills are a symbol for how desire works on a cultural level - a society reproduces particular values and valued traits and represents those values in the public sphere i.e. TV, movies, music, the ‘net. Like a feedback loop, we absorb these representations and, while it isn’t as straightforward as simple indoctrination, they become a force that we must deal with in some fashion, whether acceptance, rejection or resignation. Thought of this way, The Hills becomes like a documentary on the Freemasons - an inside look into a world that ‘everyone wants to be a part of’ precisely because it depicts the power and cultural capital we desire. Of course, I don’t mean that literally but, rather, am instead suggesting that a ‘reality show’ about ‘hot young white women’ is a focal point for the relationship between public representations and who we privately want to be.

And something worth thinking about is whether or not this show would be as successful if it were about 3 or 4 attractive black women. I think the answer to that is clearly no. While that, like the tales of racist abuse on the Obama campaign trail, isn’t a particularly pleasant thing to have to say, it doesn’t make it less true. But if one does accept that race is a factor in the success of the show - that if it’s about presenting ideal norms and part of those norms is race - what it does it point to is that The Hills‘ success partly works through connecting with the things that “everyone wants”.

But if The Hills is ‘merely’ a sign for our collective cultural desire, then why the backlash? Why the disdain? Well, as I said, it’s not as simple as indoctrination. Instead, The Hills becomes a reference point for cultural debates over materialism, attractiveness, femininity and the general clusterfuck of issues and opinions that is contemporary North America. You can agree or disagree with the ideals and lifestyle of Lauren and Heidi, but what is much more difficult to do is ignore them entirely. And while this possibility of theorizing The Hills certainly isn’t unique - you can do the same to just about any cultural product - the fact that the show is so unabashed about its use of the ‘hot young white women’ symbol marks out an interesting twist, particularly if one thinks about ‘reality TV’ as easy to relate to because the people ‘are just like us’. Because in a sense that last statement may be truer for The Hills than any other show. Rather than representing our conscious aspirations for success and achievement like The Apprentice or Survivor, it instead represents our unconscious desires to witness what goes on in a world that we are not part of. Indeed, in its unreality, nobody is part of that world.

‘Course the real mindfuck would be if The Hills were revealed to be part of a Freemasons conspiracy to undermine our social system. I mean at least that, unlike the show, would be believable.